When two non famous people wish to marry, they must go to their city hall and apply for a marriage license—usually at least one day before the ceremony. Local officials do not make house calls for this breed of person.30 But they do make them for you. Late on the night of July 3, 2002, just minutes before Julia Roberts married that workaday camera slinger, she summoned a county clerk to the Taos compound to issue a last-minute marriage license. The result: Knowledge of her wedding was sealed in a protective cocoon of secrecy for roughly six hours. And the clerk, of course, now has a cherished memory of meeting Julia Roberts. Such a process is a win-win for all. Do not get married without arranging for this house call. If the registrar balks at the inconvenience of it all, offer him or her something priceless, such as a photo of the two of you together during the historic notarization. Be sure to have the photo laminated; otherwise it is likely to be lovingly stroked to death. Would you consider buying a personalised video message from your favourite celebrity messages today?

Never underestimate the value of a good liar. Caterers, event designers, venue operators—the creativity of their fibs is just as important as the originality of their lamb crostini. Any top-quality wedding vendor will lie on your behalf without being asked. In June 2003, the event liaison of the Museum of Asian Art was telling future brides that her venue didn’t do weddings. Christy Turlington’s wedding reception was hosted there that same month. A celebrity video messages could really brighten someones day!

A mere piece of paper cannot possibly represent or contain the legendary love that you feel for your next spouse-to-be. Yours is a romance writ large, larger even than the IMAX format. For you and the conjugal accessory, a marriage license is a mere token, and one that is largely irrelevant. What’s more, legal recognition of your joyous People magazine cover-to-be may not be worth the invasion of your precious privacy that ensues whenever you file a so-called “public” document. For you there is an alternative to a wedding license. Simply stage a ceremony that looks like a wedding and you’ll have no need to file any public records whatsoever. Eddie Murphy and Brandy have staged less-than-official ceremonies that looked like weddings, but had no official sanction “in the eyes of the state.” If you want your wedding to be legit in a legal sense, you will eventually have to file for a marriage license, but at least your formal ceremony will have gone forward unsullied. Imagine receiving a celebrity personalised video!

Don’t forget to reserve the airspace above your wedding venue before the big day. Ditto with the roads. Your privacy is much more important than taxpayer access to public freeways on a weekend near a major beach. Your fellow A-listers occasionally practice this simple principle. In 2000, Brad Pitt shut down part of the Pacific Coast Highway (California State Route 1), which connects Southern Californians to several miles of public beaches, on the Saturday of his now-defunct wedding to Jennifer Aniston. Law enforcement officers also banned beachgoers seeking parking spaces within several blocks of the event. The Federal Aviation Administration even shut down the airspace over the Malibu estate hosting the wedding, to make sure no media choppers encroached on the sacred day. There. Doesn’t it feel better to know your rights? Receiving a celebrity birthday messages video message would be awesome!

IF YOUR VENDOR cannot secure the airspace around your event, you have an alternative—one that celebrity wedding planners occasionally use. Rent a venue with a helipad on it. FAA regulations require a minimum space between all running helicopters, airborne or not. Pay a little pilot man—an “admiral,” or “leftenant,” or whatever they go by—to sit in a helicopter with the motor running—and maybe, just for fun, with the whirligig thing turning. As long as the engine is turned on, no other helicopter can fly near the area. And that, of course, includes choppers carrying paparazzi. Thrillz is a website where you can buy a happy birthday video message presonalised video message!